With the thunder, comes rain. Hail the size of golf balls. More rain, lightening that flashes across the whole place. All of this just an emotion inside the head. not real weather; but the weather of the human heart. Such is the journey of a person who suffers daily with depression. I have first hand knowledge of this. More so than I care to admit to the world, as I have always “managed” my weather without resorting to those lesser roads, of self depreciation including self harm etc…

The one thing that keeps me going I guess is my unique view of weather of any form, it is something mutable. It’s never permanent. Changes are all part of the human condition so - what’s the problem? Sometimes - meh! I just can’t ellaborate in a sufficient manner I guess what I realkly mean…..??? Maybe later…..

I don’t personally consider myself a sufferer of depression. Not any more. As any form of “episode” that hits me is short-lived enough to be brushed away in the blink of an eye. I’m lucky. Hundreds and Thousands out there don’t have the same luxury as me. That is why I decided to grow a moustache for November (Movember). Now we are at the halfway point; and I have yet to get a single pledge for the chosen charity which works with and for male depression. I guess I best pull my socks up eh? tell you what I’ll post a photo of my “MO’Bro” look soon!

My heart is torn in a millions directions today; I have ’something’ on my mind that just won’t go away. My life is akin to a game of chess - where most of my powerful pieces are captured; and I am missing my queen - unless I can promote one of my pawns that are left, I will remain in life’s stale-mate.

I’m sobor. Emotional.

For the time being - alone.

It’s too easy to ring up family, they are 12,000 miles away, and can not take away the pain in my heart right now, this isn’t home sickness. This is a more subtle kind of sickness. Alas - I fear my depression demon is wanting to prop it’s ugly head up again!

I will go out tonight and socialise, with complete strangers. I will put on my mask of smiles and sycophantic gestures - which only serve to further entrench my current isolation from real life.
I am a lost human, in a race of beings I know little about; I just want to find a moment of joy.

Joy:
–noun
1. the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son’s success.
2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated: Her prose style is a pure joy.
3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
4. a state of happiness or felicity.
–verb (used without object)
5. to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.
–verb (used with object)
6. Obsolete. to gladden.
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[Origin: 1175–1225; ME joy(e) < OF joie, joye < LL gaudia, neut. pl. (taken as fem. sing.) of L gaudium joy, equiv. to gaud- (base of gaudére to be glad) + -ium -ium]

I find it fascinating the number of people that tell me not to worry. There’s more to life etc… On the surface I am open minded and take it all in. However, deep down on a subconscious level the worry wort in me lurks, and maybe forever will.

From time to time, he bubbles up inside of me like a tiny Vesuvius - an emotion of Plinian proportions. I am fortunate - in my state of mind. Since I am in touch with my emotions and they do not rule my life; they guide my life - and the message I am getting right now? ‘Something’s gotta give’ so….time for me to have a long sit down and have a heart-to-heart with my inner child.

Since moving to New Zealand, I have been a little frivolous (spelling?) in my entranced glamour of this brave new world. This approach, this care-free abandon which I have embraced comes with its consequences. For all that has happened, and for all that is about to happen, I truly have no regrets

…As they say. You only live once - right?